From Flow to Fight Mode: My Truth Behind Last-Minute Productivity

How I mistook pressure for presence – and why I always wait until the last minute to begin.

You know that feeling?

You put something off for weeks – let's say: taxes.
You know it has to get done. You see the reminders. You hear the inner voice. But still: not today.
Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Or never.

And then – at the very last possible moment – something shifts.

You begin.

You open the file. Sort the documents. Numbers start to make sense.
You're locked in. No distractions. No hunger. No thirst. Just this strange tunnel vision.

Hours pass. And when it’s over, you think:
Why did I wait so long? That was… actually kind of satisfying?

For a long time, I called this state “flow.”

Now I know better.

What looked like flow was really panic in disguise

Looking back, I see the pattern clearly.

I never start because I feel inspired.
I start because I have no other choice.
And when I do, I don’t enter a joyful state of ease – I enter fight mode.

It’s not flow.
It’s urgency.
It’s fear.
It’s desperation masked as focus.

It feels like trying to outrun the next technical failure, the next crash, the next interruption.
I race ahead, as if I could stay one step ahead of reality.
Spoiler: I can’t.

And yet, I try. Every time.

My brain calls it "productivity"

My body calls it "war."

I forget to eat.
I forget to drink.
I can't take a break – because everything in me screams: Just finish. Get it done. Don’t stop now.

It feels like success, but it tastes like burnout.
A burst of energy with a bitter aftertaste.
And when I do finish, I collapse. Relieved. Depleted. Quietly proud.
But the next wave is already waiting.
Another task. Another deadline. Another race to survive.

I used to believe: “I perform best under pressure”

But maybe pressure isn’t performance.
Maybe it’s self-sabotage with good marketing.

Because honestly?
I don’t avoid starting out of laziness.
I avoid starting out of fear.

Fear that I’ll mess it up.
That it won’t work.
That I’m not good enough.

And ironically – the pressure I create for myself becomes the very thing that fuels my ability to function.
A toxic loop that makes me feel powerful while eating me alive.

The big realization?

If action only happens under pressure, it’s not flow – it’s survival.

And what I thought was a gift was actually a coping mechanism.

I’m learning to spot the difference.
Between presence and panic.
Between real engagement and internal escape.
Between being in flow and being in fight.

PS:
If you recognized yourself in this – you're not alone.
Maybe this is your first step too:
Not pushing harder.
But asking:
Why am I always pushing in the first place?